hmm. i should have made blogdrive my own outlet or venue for reflection (depending on the mood) for every single rotation i have. damnit. i just came from psychiatry. im not going to start talking about the patients i have encountered, but then i've had a few experiences i would have wished to debrief myself about. it had been one of the coolest and most interesting rotations i have had so far, i wish i could have put them on electronia so that id have something to go back to in the future.

so to start now...

im currently rotating in the community. not outreach programs nor health center manning as most traditional medschools do, but we get to work with a small microinsurance (uhh... redundant?) organization helping out my less privileged countrymen. but then we still get to work with and in some of the depressed communities in the country.

this morning, we interviewed a mother whose eldest 12 year old son passed away a few months back from a chronic illness which arose as a complication of measles. MEASLES. you can get the vaccine for free from any local health center and it kind of makes me sad to know that some kids still die from it.

anyhoo, aside from that, we also had to make a socioeconomic profile of the family, asking about their employment and income. the family consumes PhP100 for their daily meals. that's roughly 2.5 dollars. it kind of makes me guilty to realize that some family could even survive for a few days on what i spend for a single meal from some not-even-so-fancy restaurants. what if all those fine diners would give up just one meal to help a family get through a week? would it not be a nicer place if everybody helped those who are less fortunate than they are?

of course, on second thought, that seemed like a childish stipulation. but on reflection, i guess what makes me think these rather on the extreme is the fact that i am guilty. guilty that i could have been the person giving up a somewhat exorbitant meal to feed a family, but i didnt. guilty that every new item i save up for could have been a generous help to others. guilty that i could have done something, but on everyday decisions, albeit inexcusably not conscious about it, i choose not to.

sana maging bisyo ang pagtulong sa kapwa tao. sige, sisimulan ko na ngayon.

i've somehow always known that clerkship will be ugly for my social life, considering that my social life is already ugly as it is. i have always consciously reminded myself that this is a necessary pain for what i want to become in the future, and have consciously tried not to complain for whatever happens.

but i guess more than being conscious of trying to accept what clerkship is for it is, (trying is the operative word here), maybe i have just always been in denial. maybe i have always known, or have always believed to know that life will be ugly from day 1 of clerkship onwards... but i guess it is only now that i can say that I FULLY UNDERSTAND THE UGLINESS OF THE LIFE I HAVE.

It's my first full weekend in a long time and my boyfriend's band is playing in the ToyCon, and im stuck here at home with a low-grade fever and an upper respiratory tract infection that i got from the kids in the pediatrics ward, worrying about requirements to be submitted tomorrow that i should be working on right now but im too farkin depressed to start moving. It would have been fun to go watch him bang to their music, then eat popcorn or cotton candy after and have our pictures taken with the cosplayers.

Man, the only thought in my mind right now is that i wish i haven't dreamt of becoming a doctor or that i wish i haven't actually pursued it.

five seconds ago, i had brilliant brilliant experiences and ideas in my mind to blog about.

soon as i open this to blog after quite some time, i could not think of anything to write.

man i wish i were smart and cool and all the good stuff in the world.